Why worry?

What do you do when you can’t find the right answers?  When you have no control over anything in your life?  Right now I feel as if I have no control over my future, my present, my emotions, but most importantly my heart.  I’ve been learning that anxiety can be the cause of so much harm, so much pain, and so much stress.  While we think worrying and stressing will help us figure out our problems in the future, all it does is create more.  I’ve been learning that when my emotions and my anxiety seem as unbearable as they do right now, all that is left to do is turn them over to God.  I’m learning that I have no control.  No right answer and no wrong answer, because they’re all God’s answers and he’s gifted us the beauty of not having to know our future or to know our outcomes in life.  Right now I’m at a time in my life where I’m frustrated, I’m frustrated with a lot and I find that I’m searching for answers and solutions that I can’t find.  See I’m searching for these things on my own, and in this, what’s lost will never be found.  In searching alone I create more harm than good. I’m my own worst enemy, the queen of my own self-sabotage. 

While it’s easier to tie myself up in anxious knots, it’s even harder to let it all go.  To hand everything, all the doubts, worries, insecurities, fears, all of it over to God right now seems impossible, but it also seems as if it is the only thing possible.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of worry, of doubts, of fears, of anxiety and I’m learning that God is the only restoration to my tiredness.  So I have to ask myself, why worry?  Instead I’m striving to live a life devoid of worry and anxiety but rather a life full of hope and trust in God, who is truly the only one who is big enough to handle my problems.  At times I forget that God has blessed us with a child-like innocence on how we can view the world, and tonight I was reminded that it is okay to see the world like that.  Sometimes the world is overbearing and dark and can tear us apart, but God is there to protect us and allow us to be put back together.  As I’m learning to allow God to put me back together in trusting him completely with my life, I’m reminded that growing up and big life decisions don’t have to be as scary when God is with you.  Tonight a friend spoke the words to me, you can grow old but you don’t have to grow up.  With God, we are his children, and while days pass and we get older, we don’t necessarily have to grow up.  We just need to trust in Him to help us grow, worry free.

The Starfish and the Sea.

At first I felt as if my starfish limbs had been cut off.  Panic use to consume me but now I’m finding they’re growing back and so am I, stronger than ever before.  A part of me doesn’t want to grow back without you but I know I need to be whole again.  To be a whole person for myself, for others, and for God’s plan for me.  No matter where the oceans of life take me I know you will always be by my side watching over me, encouraging me to grow, and to become whole again. For the sea surrounds me and for this reason I know I will be okay.  That no matter what direction life takes me, you’re out there somewhere in every direction guiding me along.  The seas of life will catch me, trap me, toss me, and lift me all over this world and yet I know I am and always will be safe in your harbor.  A starfish needs to be by the sea to survive, one that needs to be by the other to make sense, to function.  Why yes that’s you and me, the starfish and the sea.

Immensity.

Immensity.  When I stare out at the ocean that’s what I think of.  An unusual amount of vastness that consumes so much of our world, but yet can create something so serene and so peaceful.  To me at times life can seem as if it is full of immensity.  So many faces, so many people, so many problems, so much to face as we go throughout life.  It can seem overwhelming at times.  I can feel as if I don’t matter, as if I am just one out of over seven billion people on this planet and that I won’t make a difference because I am just one person.  These thoughts and doubts at times can consume me and make my dreams seem impossible.  I have this fear of being normal.  It can sound weird at first but I guess what it comes down to is that I don’t want to just be another face, another person, and another name that has no meaning to it.  This fear is what drives me to go after what I want in life.  Before a few weeks ago I filled my head with doubts instead of dreams and didn’t let myself think outside of the box.  I attended a discover your dream seminar hosted by the incredible Bob Goff and what I realized is that I don’t dream enough.  Bob is so filled with God’s love and excitement for life that it inspires me to want to be that way.  I don’t want to let the world’s problems diminish my passion for life but to simply motivate me to live my life more.  Life moves in the blink of an eye, it is always changing, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad, but it is what we make of it that matters.  So instead of looking at life as being overwhelming immense, I choose to now see it as a challenge that I want to conquer.  To go out and make a difference, travelling to areas of crises and using God’s love and gifts he has given me to spread his love and comfort to those on the toughest days of their lives.  Loss, grief, pain, at times their immensity can seem never ending, because for a long time I felt that way.  As if the immensity of pain would never cease to end.  But now I find God is using that immensity to change me and that as I continue to travel through it, I realize I am changing for the better.  God is making me new, making me whole again, and my passion for life is returning at a level it has never seen before.  Immensity.  Yes it can be scary, but I choose to embrace it and go after it.  And I can’t wait to see where God takes me next.

When you dream with God, NOTHING is impossible.  Go for it.

It’s that moment where you take everything in, you realize I’m a part of something beautiful. Something big.   I’m witnessing one of those moments.  One that you burn into your brain to save for forever.  Where you realize you matter. That you have a purpose.  That God is good.  That he is powerful. There is something so unique about standing in a room with 3,500 other people believing that as well.  It is so incredibly inspiring to be a part of something bigger than just yourself.  To know what’s happening in a building, that what people are wrestling with inside their hearts, and witnessing the look on their faces as the flames of passion are lit within, is only something from God.  I feel as if my passion has caught fire.  That suddenly my ideas are bigger and my dreams seem larger than they’ve ever felt.  To some people this would overwhelm them, they would decide to give up, but instead I’m getting excited.  I’m getting ready to face the challenges the world is going to throw at me.  To face defeat that too often people crumble under every day, and surpass it all for God’s glory.  We can’t be afraid to dream big.  When you dream big, you never know where God can take you.  Now is the time to dream.  Not tomorrow, not in a year, but here today.  Don’t look back on your life and regret never doing something you wanted to because of fear, or failure, or because it was bold.  Do it.  Go for it.  At the end of the day all you need to say is; here I am Lord, have your way with me.  When you dream with God, nothing is impossible.  And I dare you to see what happens.

Tears

Tears.  Sometimes that’s all I have is tears.  But sometimes that is what I need.  To feel as if I’m alive, a human, I have feelings, and that you matter, that you’re still here with me.  The way my tears fall down my face remind me of you.  Remind me of how we talked about the rain fall and how rain drops look falling on our windows while we drive.  Tears.  Sometimes they are the epitome of pain but to me, they remind me of you.  Remind me that the world is beautiful, that God is good even when at times I want to believe he isn’t, and that there is a bigger picture in this world.  Tears.  Sometimes they’re joyful reminding me how truly blessed I was to know you.  Sometimes it’s the pain I feel at never seeing your face here, never holding your hand, never seeing you smile, and never getting to be more than we were.  Tears.  They’re freeing but at the same time I want them to entangle me and hold me captive.  To remind me and hold me accountable not to forget you or to let others.  Tears.  Sometimes they are fear in that each and every day I wake up,  I don’t get to see your face.  But then I remind myself that each day I wake up on earth and start again, is one day closer to getting to see you in heaven. Beside me and beside God.  Tears.  At the thought of you in perfection, in the holiest of places, the happiest anyone could ever be, beside God bowing down and praising him. Tears. They stream down my face now at the thought of this sight, at the thought of how peaceful and content you are to be safe, to be with God, the one you were always striving to figure out and now he has you enveloped in his arms. Tears. They come and go as the days pass, as the stars shine, as our songs play, but in the end I know they heal me, make me strong, and make you a part of me no matter what I face here without you.