Tears

Tears.  Sometimes that’s all I have is tears.  But sometimes that is what I need.  To feel as if I’m alive, a human, I have feelings, and that you matter, that you’re still here with me.  The way my tears fall down my face remind me of you.  Remind me of how we talked about the rain fall and how rain drops look falling on our windows while we drive.  Tears.  Sometimes they are the epitome of pain but to me, they remind me of you.  Remind me that the world is beautiful, that God is good even when at times I want to believe he isn’t, and that there is a bigger picture in this world.  Tears.  Sometimes they’re joyful reminding me how truly blessed I was to know you.  Sometimes it’s the pain I feel at never seeing your face here, never holding your hand, never seeing you smile, and never getting to be more than we were.  Tears.  They’re freeing but at the same time I want them to entangle me and hold me captive.  To remind me and hold me accountable not to forget you or to let others.  Tears.  Sometimes they are fear in that each and every day I wake up,  I don’t get to see your face.  But then I remind myself that each day I wake up on earth and start again, is one day closer to getting to see you in heaven. Beside me and beside God.  Tears.  At the thought of you in perfection, in the holiest of places, the happiest anyone could ever be, beside God bowing down and praising him. Tears. They stream down my face now at the thought of this sight, at the thought of how peaceful and content you are to be safe, to be with God, the one you were always striving to figure out and now he has you enveloped in his arms. Tears. They come and go as the days pass, as the stars shine, as our songs play, but in the end I know they heal me, make me strong, and make you a part of me no matter what I face here without you.