Immensity.

Immensity.  When I stare out at the ocean that’s what I think of.  An unusual amount of vastness that consumes so much of our world, but yet can create something so serene and so peaceful.  To me at times life can seem as if it is full of immensity.  So many faces, so many people, so many problems, so much to face as we go throughout life.  It can seem overwhelming at times.  I can feel as if I don’t matter, as if I am just one out of over seven billion people on this planet and that I won’t make a difference because I am just one person.  These thoughts and doubts at times can consume me and make my dreams seem impossible.  I have this fear of being normal.  It can sound weird at first but I guess what it comes down to is that I don’t want to just be another face, another person, and another name that has no meaning to it.  This fear is what drives me to go after what I want in life.  Before a few weeks ago I filled my head with doubts instead of dreams and didn’t let myself think outside of the box.  I attended a discover your dream seminar hosted by the incredible Bob Goff and what I realized is that I don’t dream enough.  Bob is so filled with God’s love and excitement for life that it inspires me to want to be that way.  I don’t want to let the world’s problems diminish my passion for life but to simply motivate me to live my life more.  Life moves in the blink of an eye, it is always changing, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad, but it is what we make of it that matters.  So instead of looking at life as being overwhelming immense, I choose to now see it as a challenge that I want to conquer.  To go out and make a difference, travelling to areas of crises and using God’s love and gifts he has given me to spread his love and comfort to those on the toughest days of their lives.  Loss, grief, pain, at times their immensity can seem never ending, because for a long time I felt that way.  As if the immensity of pain would never cease to end.  But now I find God is using that immensity to change me and that as I continue to travel through it, I realize I am changing for the better.  God is making me new, making me whole again, and my passion for life is returning at a level it has never seen before.  Immensity.  Yes it can be scary, but I choose to embrace it and go after it.  And I can’t wait to see where God takes me next.

When you dream with God, NOTHING is impossible.  Go for it.

It’s that moment where you take everything in, you realize I’m a part of something beautiful. Something big.   I’m witnessing one of those moments.  One that you burn into your brain to save for forever.  Where you realize you matter. That you have a purpose.  That God is good.  That he is powerful. There is something so unique about standing in a room with 3,500 other people believing that as well.  It is so incredibly inspiring to be a part of something bigger than just yourself.  To know what’s happening in a building, that what people are wrestling with inside their hearts, and witnessing the look on their faces as the flames of passion are lit within, is only something from God.  I feel as if my passion has caught fire.  That suddenly my ideas are bigger and my dreams seem larger than they’ve ever felt.  To some people this would overwhelm them, they would decide to give up, but instead I’m getting excited.  I’m getting ready to face the challenges the world is going to throw at me.  To face defeat that too often people crumble under every day, and surpass it all for God’s glory.  We can’t be afraid to dream big.  When you dream big, you never know where God can take you.  Now is the time to dream.  Not tomorrow, not in a year, but here today.  Don’t look back on your life and regret never doing something you wanted to because of fear, or failure, or because it was bold.  Do it.  Go for it.  At the end of the day all you need to say is; here I am Lord, have your way with me.  When you dream with God, nothing is impossible.  And I dare you to see what happens.

Tears

Tears.  Sometimes that’s all I have is tears.  But sometimes that is what I need.  To feel as if I’m alive, a human, I have feelings, and that you matter, that you’re still here with me.  The way my tears fall down my face remind me of you.  Remind me of how we talked about the rain fall and how rain drops look falling on our windows while we drive.  Tears.  Sometimes they are the epitome of pain but to me, they remind me of you.  Remind me that the world is beautiful, that God is good even when at times I want to believe he isn’t, and that there is a bigger picture in this world.  Tears.  Sometimes they’re joyful reminding me how truly blessed I was to know you.  Sometimes it’s the pain I feel at never seeing your face here, never holding your hand, never seeing you smile, and never getting to be more than we were.  Tears.  They’re freeing but at the same time I want them to entangle me and hold me captive.  To remind me and hold me accountable not to forget you or to let others.  Tears.  Sometimes they are fear in that each and every day I wake up,  I don’t get to see your face.  But then I remind myself that each day I wake up on earth and start again, is one day closer to getting to see you in heaven. Beside me and beside God.  Tears.  At the thought of you in perfection, in the holiest of places, the happiest anyone could ever be, beside God bowing down and praising him. Tears. They stream down my face now at the thought of this sight, at the thought of how peaceful and content you are to be safe, to be with God, the one you were always striving to figure out and now he has you enveloped in his arms. Tears. They come and go as the days pass, as the stars shine, as our songs play, but in the end I know they heal me, make me strong, and make you a part of me no matter what I face here without you.